Monday, 2 November 2015

Weight gain during pregnancy - fighting my demons.


There's a chance that I'll be alone in writing this post and I suppose that's always the risk you run when blogging, however when I was writing my 17 week bump update, having to write down my weight gain struck a chord with me. I've always struggled with my weight and it's fluctuated quite a lot over my adult years and has always been something that I've had to consider.

If you know me personally then there's a chance you'll know that I battled with an eating disorder during my teenage years, I dropped down to a size 6 and my dog ballooned from essentially eating all of my meals to avoid me from doing so. My poor Mum did everything she could to get me to eat but I was a typical sneaky teenager and in the event that the dog didn't even want my food, my en-suite toilet would always help me out. I never got to the point of making myself sick but the food wouldn't pass my lips in the first place. I survived basically off of one jacket potato a day and a few mini rolls, I won't exaggerate and make out like I had the worst case of Anorexia known to man, I lead a fairly "normal" life and it was only because I have a heart deficiency that I become poorly.

Fast forward to my turning 20 and I was in an unhappy relationship and turned the opposite way of eating too much and steadily gaining over three stone in weight. I've never made it a secret that whilst working my way back down to 10stone (a distant dream now after just being generally lazy for a few months), I've had to fight some demons and maintain a healthy diet and gym regime rather than skip meals and make excuses again. I think it's in my genetics to struggle with my weight as my Sister leads an extremely active lifestyle in order to stay a size 8 and the moment I step away from the gym the weight will all too easily pile back on again.

Skip ahead again to being the grand old age of 23 and pregnant with my first child. My first trimester wasn't easy and from around 6 weeks I was floored with fatigue and food aversions, my gym regime was halted instantly when my heart defect reared it's ugly head again and James and I agreed to adopt an approach of letting me eat whatever the baby let me keep down, which wasn't a lot. Now, I don't eat unhealthily by any stretch of the imagination, a lot of eggs and fish and I like my potatoes in almost any form, but I'm also not a salad eater so needless to say it's inevitable that now my appetite has returned, so has my weight gain.

For the first time in my pregnancy, last Friday I gained weight. 3lbs in two weeks, which is a fairly rapid weight gain in my eyes, and although I know it's probably the baby (or that fact that my boobs are quite frankly, massive!), I just can't shush the demons in my head that are telling me to cut back on the calories again. I don't actually eat any more than the recommended amount for someone at my stage in pregnancy but I can't help but feel guilty for putting on weight. I compared myself to some other bloggers and I've actually not put on a lot compared to most at my stage in pregnancy but seeing those scales worryingly close to that 11st mark is quite frankly, terrifying me.

I'm desperate to get back into a gym routine and I'm hopefully starting with some swimming and building it back up to some treadmill and cross trainer sessions here and there. I have overwhelming Mum guilt that I don't want to be one of those Mum's that uses pregnancy to eat themselves out of house and home and then has masses of weight to lose once the baby is born, but at the same time the ghosts of my past means it's hard for me to find a balance. I desperately want to do what is best for my baby which means that I will obviously gain weight, even my extremely slight Mother In Law told me that she gained two stone whilst pregnant, but how do I silence the niggles that tell me I should cut a few meals out here and there to stop those scales from creeping up?

This is a totally rambling post and I'm not sure it even has a point other than, being pregnant is hard no matter what your background, but being pregnant and being terrified of gaining weight is a complete head-****, I feel guilty for wanting to lose weight because I know that would be so detrimental for my unborn child but how do you silence nearly 10 years of bad eating and dieting habits when nothing can stop those pounds from piling on? Even if this post helps one person to realise that they aren't alone in feeling like I do, then it will be a success and if you think I'm the worst Mum in the world then please keep it to yourself because just like every first time mother, I'm trying my very best.

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