Friday, 8 April 2016

Getting Back To Me

One of the things that I have undoubtedly found the hardest about being pregnant is how much it changes you from the minute you make that decision to start trying for a baby. I know it may sound extremely obvious in terms of drinking, smoking, extreme sports (none of which I partake it whether I am with child or not, may I add) but also just in your general mindset and rather quickly into being pregnant, your appearance.

I remember really clearly James and I going on a dog walk almost the day after we decided to start trying for our baby and getting tiny twinges in my tummy. Immediately I thought it was pregnancy related, was it a sign that things were already working, was something already going horribly wrong?! My mind raced instantly and it took James being the realist he is to tell me to stop being so silly and even his troopers are quite that effective (TMI to our families I know but you come here for the truth). Of course it was nothing and probably more down to the nerves and excitement of officially starting to try for a baby but as I'm sat here now all of these months on, it occurs to me that even then my way of thinking had completely changed already.

Needless to say it did not take us long after that to actually fall pregnant and obviously the worry only intensified. Now I know that this worry will only change as it already has done from the viability of the pregnancy, to her chances of survival at each passing week if she were to be premature and will evolve into her well being once she's here in the world and that due to my nature I will never, ever stop worrying about her.

Physically things didn't take long to start changing either, I was extremely glad to actually have a real cleavage for the first time in my life as I've always been somewhat shorted in that area however with that almost simultaneously came my hips widening and eventually my tummy growing too. Obviously having a bump is in no way "getting fat" and personally I often pat myself on the back that in terms of size unless it has to fit me across my chest or bump then I can still wear the same shirts and my yoga pants still fit me perfectly. I wrote a post way back when in my pregnancy about dealing with my ever changing shape and essentially that there is nothing you can do to stop it which you can read here. But as I reach the end of this magical journey that has been pregnancy, I cannot wait to just get back to me.

I've already started to trawl through ASOS mentally making a note of all of the things that I wish I could buy but my maternity pay just won't allow and it gave me real inspiration to throw myself in to my wardrobe (not like, narnia style but metaphorically) and have a good out sort through everything. I came away with two bags to put on eBay of things that didn't really fit me comfortably pre-baby so I'm not going to pressurise myself to get into them now either but it also reminded me of things that I had forgotten about that I cannot wait to wear again.

I thought that becoming a Mummy would mean I was all frumpy cardigans and "mom" jeans and that my previous wardrobe would null and void however I've since changed my mind. I can dress exactly how I used to (body shape and size permitting) and I don't have to restrict myself to looking like I'm old and past it before my time just because I've chosen to have a baby whilst I'm still quite young. I feel as though I'm in a strange period where I'm not really a "young Mum" as I'm by no means a teenager and am well and truly into my twenties, but neither am I particularly mature in the way in which I dress. I wanted to buy some Nike Blazers before they sold out everywhere and was nervous that I'd look like I was trying to be a teen mom if I were to take baby out in trainers. So it's hard not to feel as though you're going one way or the other.

It's hard finding a balance in life and essentially you have to be comfortable in whatever you wear but I've come to the realisation that I can just go back to wearing what I wore pre-baby and expand on my wardrobe from there. I needn't conform to anyone's idea of how a Mum should dress (not that I was daring in any way pre-pregnancy with my fashion choices) and if I want to wear trainers then I just have to accept that I need to do so in a way that I don't look like I'm 13 years old.

Overall, I'm really excited to get back the gym and regain my self confidence and be able to use my entire wardrobe again rather than the 4 or 5 tops that still fit me now. It may sound really, really selfish but as I near (or reach by the time this is published!) the end of my pregnancy I am well and truly fed up of feeling as though my body doesn't really belong to me and having no power over how I look. Gym, wardrobe, trainers. Come at me.

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