Friday, 11 May 2018

A New Leaf

I think we can safely say that Spring has now sprung here in England, I'm sure the weather will continue to be as unpredictable as always but on the whole, the sun is shining and the mornings and evenings are definitely lighter. What better time to sit back and reflect on the last 6 months to a year of my life and think of all of the changes I've made, and ways that I've changed.

If you follow me on any form of social media, know me in real life or have just managed to work it out - I left Sophie's Dad back in November. It was the hardest decision I've ever had to make, though it was fairly mutual and has been as amicable as any split could be, and it was definitely the scariest thing I've ever done. I didn't have a "normal" family life growing up, I didn't know my own Dad until I was 15 and my Step-Dad left when I was 13. So to be tearing my Daughter's family apart was heart breaking. It was no-one's fault and there were no outside influences, I can remember waking up one random Tuesday morning and just knowing it was something I had to do for all three of us.

 I'm not going to dwell on that side of things, or the break down of my relationship. Mainly out of respect for James who is still the Father of my child and who still gave me three amazing years, the most wonderful Daughter and many happy memories. If anyone is in the same position then please do feel free to reach out to me for any advice or just a hug. This post is positive, what I did was brave. It took real courage to leave a relationship where there wasn't a lot wrong, but something wasn't right. And I've never lived on my own before, I've never had to pay all of the bills on my own and I've never not had someone to fall back on if I needed it.

I'm really lucky to have an amazing family around me, I managed to move back into the village that I grew up in. My Mum and her boyfriend live there, my Grandparents live there and my Sister works there whilst living a whole 5 or so miles away. I've never felt more supported in my life.

I also used this experience to push myself as a person, I had to be stronger for Sophie and I felt like I was setting her the best example by chasing true happiness and not settling for anything less. I decided to stop faffing around with dieting tomorrow/Monday/next week/never and just bucked up my ideas when it came to what I was eating. I've lost over two stone since November, it's yoyo'd a little bit after Christmas but in general I feel miles more confident and a hundred times more healthy.  I feel as though I have a much more positive outlook on life now, too. I used to find that the smallest thing would send me spiralling into a ball of negativity that could honestly take weeks to crawl back out of. I suffer more from anxiety now than I ever have, but the attacks last hours rather than days and I can deal with them so much better. I've got through the hardest thing I'll probably ever have to do, I can take on anything else with ease.

It's also made me more career focused. I know that if I want a good future for myself and Sophie then I shouldn't rely on anyone but myself. I am in a new relationship but I've learnt a hard lesson not to use that as a safety net. I'm rebuilding the savings that I lost due to the wedding and I'm consolidating my finances and debts more so every month to make our lives more comfortable. I bagged a cheeky little promotion/extra responsibility at work and I'm doing the next level in my studying. It's all going to be tough but it will be so worth it in the future. Everything I do, I consider the example I'm setting for Sophie, and I hope that I'm showing her how to have it all.

I couldn't have done any of this without Sophie, My Mum, Sister and amazing Brother-in-Law. Also without Keiran, Mike or my incredible Boss. But on the whole it's something I did on my own and I am so proud of myself for that. In the last 6 months I've completely turned my life around, from one where I thought I had everything I ever wanted but was deeply unhappy, to one where on the surface it's a mess but inside I'm absolutely beaming. My confidence in my body, my mind and myself is at an all time high and I have to keep pinching myself that this life is really mine.

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